Finally - Pesha Gerstler

Finally on my way to yes

I bump into

All the places

Where I said no

To my life.

All the unintended wounds

The red and purple scars

Those hieroglyphs of pain

Carved into my skin and bones,

Those coded messages

That send me down

The wrong street

Again and again.

Where I find them,

The old wounds

The old misdirections,

And I lift them

One by one

Close to my heart

And I say

Holy

Holy

Holy

…

This moves me so deeply every time I read this poem... and today I read it as I was saying 'holy holy holy' to some fresh sore emotions. I suddenly had the image of my son's 'NO' patch as a toddler, the podgy fists strapped to his sides, brow stern and little lips pursed, the determination and inflexibility – I found it totally draining and exasperating at the time. Now I wander if he was reflecting back to me some 'no's' I was saying in my life.

I laugh that actually as a mother my life is full of yes-es now: to making food, wiping bottoms, going out for a bike rides, dancing in the kitchen, playing with him (an insatiable request... not always a direct yes), and the less popular 'yes' to needing to brush hair, get (in some way) dressed, speaking kindly to everyone... 

And, I am reminded to say to his unintentional wounds and no's too... holy holy holy.