‘If you go deep into the neurosis of humanity, you will always
find the mother, because so many women want to be mothers but they don’t know
how to be.’
‘One should knowingly become a mother. You are taking one of the
greatest responsibilities that a human being can take. Motherhood is a
great art; you have to learn it.’
Wow... so my heart
dropped when I read this. The responsibility is overwhelming, the old adage
returns; ‘your parents, they fuck you up'. But it is true. The child's first
deep relationship, first love is with the mother and then family members. This is a
huge responsibility and will totally shape the child's life. Staring this fact
straight on enabled me to feel my fear and guilt, my panic actually at all the
things that have been far from perfect, far from truly loving in my son's life
and our relationship already. Especially as I came into motherhood unplanned
and in societal terms ‘unprepared’.
Breathing through the fear, I came to a
place of relief and elation, acknowledging that mothering is a huge process of growing, of becoming. Since I passionately want to grow towards the
Unconditional Love the mother figure represents, I’m in! In for the learning, I
sign up to take this task seriously, in its enormity and open to all
I can learn.
Osho lists four points in ‘The Book of Woman’ on the art of mothering (paraphrased by me):
1. 1. Never treat
the child as yours, never possess the child. It comes through you but is not
yours. God has only used you as a vehicle, a medium, but the child is not your
possession. Love but never possess the
child. Treat the child with deep
respect.
2. 2. Give the child
freedom – freedom to explore the
world. You help him to become more and more powerful in exploring the world,
but you never give him directions. You give her energy, you give her
protection, you give her security, all that she needs, but you help her to go farther away from you to explore the world.’ You
give your child the freedom to do ‘bad’ as well as ‘good’.
3. 3.‘Don’t listen
to morality, don’t listen to religion, don’t listen to culture –listen to
nature. Whatsoever is natural is good
– even if sometimes it is very difficult for you… (i.e. leading to social
embarrassment…)
4. 4. Give love, but never give a structure. Give love, but
never give a character. Give love but freedom has to remain in tact.
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I had a difficult morning this week; I was very ‘in my head’ worrying
about work and life decisions. My son couldn’t get to sleep in the evening which ate up ‘my’ evening. The next morning I woke super early
to practice yoga and meditation in preparation for work, and he woke up an hour before he usually does. I sank into feelings of panic, resentment and grumpiness as I made his breakfast and dressed him... Osho states,
‘Don’t
think of mothering as duty – the day you do something dies, the relationship is
broken, without respect… thus without love.’
This was it, I had lost hold of the present moment, i had lost respect for my son and my role. I was in fear from
facing new challenges in my adult life, thus I was out of love with myself and
therefore unable to love my son. As may be understandable,
disputing a lemon pip in the pancake you just made at 6am, I had lost the joy. But
the beauty is, joy can be regained at ANY TIME, through deciding to come back
to the present moment, coming back to gratitude, and opening the heart into giving
love in abundance without expectation of return. Even when you feel you have run out of love or patience…
there is that tiny drop more. This is sacred work.
‘Sacrifice
comes from the word sacred. When you do it joyfully, it is sacred.’
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So, how to
cultivate the feeling of joy, how to alleviate duty? BE SOFT, take time
wherever you can for meditation, celebration and laughter:
‘In the first
place, bringing a child into the world is a very risky affair. But even if you
want that, at least bring a child who will be totally different in this world –
who will not be miserable, who will at least help the world – who will not be
miserable, who will at least help the world to be a little more celebrating. He
will bring a little more festivity into the world… a little more laughter,
love, life.
So for these
days, be celebrating. Dance, sing, listen to music, meditate, love. Be very
soft. Don’t do anything hectic, in a hurry. Don’t do anything with tension.
Just go slowly. Slow down absolutely. A great guest is to come – you have to
receive him.’
Osho speaks with
refreshing bluntness about the systems of parenting, family and marriage in the
world at large. If you are conscious individual, it seems to me Osho is not
condemning conscious families, marriage or parenting. He invites us to really
look at the socially-constructed structures we live in, and what we are
cultivating in the soul of our children. As I breathe into the responsibility
of mothering and demonstrating Love to a child, I see more how it is ‘a village
that raises a child.’
When I put Mabon,
my son, to bed this week he said,
‘Mummy, I think I am
a very amazing child. And I thnk I am a very lucky child.’
I agreed and asked
him what made him feel this way, and he replied ‘Because SO MANY people carry
me when I am tired.’
A friend had
carried up a steep jungle path on the way back from the beach that evening, and
another friend had inspired him to play in the sand for hours to see if the ‘water
always wins’ when manipulating its path and current. THANK YOU to the shining
wonderful friends in our life who share their time, give their interest,
compassion, strength, skills and playful hearts… You parent completely in these
moments, igniting his fire, showing him about the world and love.
