I
share this story as if I were sitting in circle with you, the ancient way of sharing female wisdom, the medicine of
each of our unique experiences empowering and holding the other... i believe passionately that birth is something we really should talk about!
I
became pregnant with my son, Mabon, when I
was 23. I was involved with community arts
projects, writing, reiki, activism and co-running club nights and
festivals. I made the huge transition from post-uni life to
motherhood with the aid of a move from city to coast, using birth
art, learning pottery, my son's father and I making a lot of time for
talking and going through our emotions... and doing a huge
amount of reading alternative birthing and parenting books. We made a trip to Cornwall in our campervan when I was 8 ½
months pregnant... and I consider such carefree and confident
adventures to have been pivotal to our ability to birth naturally and
make the transition to parenthood together.
In
many ways, despite some challenging odds, I consider birthing at a comparitively young age to have
been a blessing; I was the first of my friends, free from comparisons
or fear to do it 'my' way. I was naïve and trusting of my ability to
birth thanks to my mother who had always talked of it humourously
simply... 'it's just like doing a poo!' I had not had many years of
independence or full time working to surrender to the art of giving
as a mother. I was adaptable
and willing to transform into this 'mother identity' I knew little
about. It is only looking back that I am full of wonder at this leap into
motherhood. At the time, despite my emotions rocking tumultuously, I
had implicit faith that motherhood would be a gift to my life, and
refine my life goals and focus to what really mattered.
I
had no complications in pregnancy, until the end when there was some
concern about my bump being a little small: scans confirmed a lower
than average fluid level.. something my mother had also with me. I
felt confident everything was ok, as did my midwife, but two
days after my due date she suggested she give me a sweep (artifical
sweep of cervical membranes) to help trigger labour so that the
hospital didnt put restrictions on my desire to have a home birth. This is now something I would not jump at as, despite it not being a
drug based indiction, it is still an induction... therefore the baby
has not given off the hormone into the amniotic fluid which naturally triggers the labour hormones, signalling
that the baby's lungs are mature and thus the baby ready to be born.
My
cervix was ready so my midwife was confident I would go into labour
soon. I felt the first twinges of labour that day, and went on
a walk to an ancient yew forest when a thunder, lightening and rain
storm came over us. Feeling the period like pulls of contractions I
desperately wanted to keep walking up the hill despite the storm...
like some crazed pregnant woman, under a full moon, hair blowing in the gale!
I had not
yet said a word to my partner. When we arrived home, a couple we had
befriended in our birth class were waiting on our doorstep, so it
wasn't until an hour and a half later of chatting and making tea
before I told my partner I was having contractions. By then they were
8 minutes apart, and he went into father-to-be overdrive...
dismanteling a table, taking it down to the basement, blowing and
filling up a birth pool, cooking pasta, calling hospital to ask for a
midwife. I thoroughly recommend the father or doula calling the
hospital, as the infuriating coverstation I had on the phone to
'prove' I was in labour totally shut down my contractions.
I
kept busy folding sheets and baby clothes into a cupboard upstairs
and the contractions progressed really well. Some time later my
midwife arrived, she did a vaginal examination and I came downstairs,
rocking over a birthing ball while she massaged my back. I was
proferred some gas and air which I soon refused as it made me
nausaus, and I ate some food which didn't stay down for long. I have
since learned it is a myth women need to eat or drink unless they
have the desire in labour;
stimulating the digestive system triggers adrenalin and decreases
oxytocin, hence why we don't need to eat when we sleep.
When
my midwife thought I was around 8cm and the contractions were intense
she told me I could get into the birthing pool. I stripped off in
seconds (a good sign I was in my primitive brain, without
inhibition!) looking forward to the soothing water... but then
panicked and became self conscious and fearful. My partner had 'disappeared' into the shower. The transition between land and water
suddenly seemed daunting.
It
is highly likely I was extremely close to birthing at this point had
I been left alone or asked the midwife not to talk to me about the fact I was 8cm so should get in pool (this triggers the neo-cortex). It is
commonly witnessed by doula's that the moment the men disappear to tend their own needs, and
the point at which women express a sudden fear, they have crossed a
threshold and birth is imminent. It took me a good few hours longer I think... I loved being in the water and the labour seemed to progress strongly to me. I have vague memories of moving all over the place, rocking fiercely into the soft sides,
with the father sometimes holding me, sometimes waiting back... but I began to get tired.
When
I was ready to push (I remember telling my baby I was ready!) it was almost 3am, and he came out very quickly without tears.
I
was squatting, exactly as I had drawn in my birth art, looking at a mandala wall-hanging in front of me. I had the sensation of other women all over the world birthing that same moment.
My hands were under water
holding my baby's head and I caught him as he came out. My midwife
held my weak arms as I lifted him out of the water... and, calm and
quiet, he just looked straight into my eyes; perfect, wise, at once
ancient and as utterly newborn as an unfolding lotus.
I
held him to my breast for I don't know how long, and then passed him
to his father as the placenta contractions came... which
unfortunately took about an hour and felt exhausting. Now, knowing
more about this crucial mother/baby
bonding moment at birth, I understand that I needed more privacy and
warmth (when you hold baby out of water you are both wet and need to
be gently towel dried and warmed up) to maximise my hormonal
release.. which would have enabled a quicker and easier placenta
delivery. I was so grateful for being at home in privacy at this sacred time, and being able to just slip into bed after Mabon's first breastfeed.
Lilliana Lammers (paramana doula) described her caution at using birth pools as the risk of becoming an
'exotic fish' (i.e. disturbing the mother's need for privacy and lack
of observation) I have to admit despite my birth being an experience
I am immensely grateful for, I was an
'exotic fish' in our tiny dining room in front of two midwives
who were looking straight at me... and talking... It
may well be that my 'second stage' needn't have been as long or as
tiring... but the experience of birth is simple; the most
overwhelming gratitude for the safe delivery of your baby to you.
Healing
Birth Experiences
I
have since drawn my birth and was able to release some emotions of
frustration which have embedded in me the teachings of my
birth and understanding of what women need in birth. I encourage any
mothers, especially those who have experienced what felt like a
traumatic birth, or who have had post natal depression, to talk about
it and use birth art (Birthing from Within, Pam England) to connect to and heal the raw emotions of
birthing and becoming a mother.
I
feel now, it is crucial not to judge our own births, the birth of our
children or have expectations for births to come.
We are at a huge turning
point in the history of childbirth.
Even though many of us feel a connection with the feminine birthing
rituals of our wise women ansestors, it is also true that
intervention in the birthing process and mother/baby bonding time is
ancient. Michel Odent suggests it is proportionate to the level of violence
and adrenalin within its culture. It is only in this century that we
scientifically 'discovered' that a new born baby needs it's
mother, and we are at a turning point of re/discovering and shaping
birth practise around the needs of birthing women.
We are at a point
in our culture where it is time for Love to shape every aspect of our
lives from birth to death... our culture is beginning to have the consciousness, safety and awareness to enable oxytocin and the emotions of calm and
connection to take precedence in the birth process over the flight or flight responses. We maybe just need to be strong in our confidence to birth as the the baby and the mother needs. To really identify with the consciousness of the baby i recommend reading Birth Without Violence, Michel Odent).
