Motherhood is a great art, you have to learn it' (Osho)

So, I have been reading up on Osho recently, with a little trepidation... having read or heard snippets of his beliefs seemingly against child-bearing, marriage and the family... often from people who have 'chosen spirituality over parenthood'. Since I disagree that spirituality and parenthood are mutually exclusive I had read no further; but I am humbled to find I agree with much of what he says... in context. Osho's words of wisdom have really inspired my parenting this last week and enabled me to accept my role, responsibility and desires with more honesty.

‘If you go deep into the neurosis of humanity, you will always find the mother, because so many women want to be mothers but they don’t know how to be.’ 

‘One should knowingly become a mother. You are taking one of the greatest responsibilities that a human being can take. Motherhood is a great art; you have to learn it.’

Wow... so my heart dropped when I read this. The responsibility is overwhelming, the old adage returns; ‘your parents, they fuck you up'. But it is true. The child's first deep relationship, first love is with the mother and then family members. This is a huge responsibility and will totally shape the child's life. Staring this fact straight on enabled me to feel my fear and guilt, my panic actually at all the things that have been far from perfect, far from truly loving in my son's life and our relationship already. Especially as I came into motherhood unplanned and in societal terms ‘unprepared’. 

Breathing through the fear, I came to a place of relief and elation, acknowledging that mothering is a huge process of growing, of becoming. Since I passionately want to grow towards the Unconditional Love the mother figure represents, I’m in! In for the learning, I sign up to take this task seriously, in its enormity and open to all I can learn.

Osho lists four points in ‘The Book of Woman’ on the art of mothering (paraphrased by me):

1.    1. Never treat the child as yours, never possess the child. It comes through you but is not yours. God has only used you as a vehicle, a medium, but the child is not your possession. Love but never possess the child. Treat the child with deep respect.

2.     2. Give the child freedom – freedom to explore the world. You help him to become more and more powerful in exploring the world, but you never give him directions. You give her energy, you give her protection, you give her security, all that she needs, but you help her to go farther away from you to explore the world.’ You give your child the freedom to do ‘bad’ as well as ‘good’.

3.    3.‘Don’t listen to morality, don’t listen to religion, don’t listen to culture –listen to nature. Whatsoever is natural is good – even if sometimes it is very difficult for you… (i.e. leading to social embarrassment…)

4.    4. Give love, but never give a structure. Give love, but never give a character. Give love but freedom has to remain in tact.

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I had a difficult morning this week; I was very ‘in my head’ worrying about work and life decisions. My son couldn’t get to sleep in the evening which ate up ‘my’ evening. The next morning I woke super early to practice yoga and meditation in preparation for work, and he woke up an hour before he usually does. I sank into feelings of panic, resentment and grumpiness as I made his breakfast and dressed him... Osho states,

‘Don’t think of mothering as duty – the day you do something dies, the relationship is broken, without respect… thus without love.’

This was it, I had lost hold of the present moment, i had lost respect for my son and my role. I was in fear from facing new challenges in my adult life, thus I was out of love with myself and therefore unable to love my son. As may be understandable, disputing a lemon pip in the pancake you just made at 6am, I had lost the joy. But the beauty is, joy can be regained at ANY TIME, through deciding to come back to the present moment, coming back to gratitude, and opening the heart into giving love in abundance without expectation of return. Even when you feel you have run out of love or patience… there is that tiny drop more. This is sacred work.

‘Sacrifice comes from the word sacred. When you do it joyfully, it is sacred.’

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So, how to cultivate the feeling of joy, how to alleviate duty? BE SOFT, take time wherever you can for meditation, celebration and laughter:

‘In the first place, bringing a child into the world is a very risky affair. But even if you want that, at least bring a child who will be totally different in this world – who will not be miserable, who will at least help the world – who will not be miserable, who will at least help the world to be a little more celebrating. He will bring a little more festivity into the world… a little more laughter, love, life.

           

So for these days, be celebrating. Dance, sing, listen to music, meditate, love. Be very soft. Don’t do anything hectic, in a hurry. Don’t do anything with tension. Just go slowly. Slow down absolutely. A great guest is to come – you have to receive him.’

Osho speaks with refreshing bluntness about the systems of parenting, family and marriage in the world at large. If you are conscious individual, it seems to me Osho is not condemning conscious families, marriage or parenting. He invites us to really look at the socially-constructed structures we live in, and what we are cultivating in the soul of our children. As I breathe into the responsibility of mothering and demonstrating Love to a child, I see more how it is ‘a village that raises a child.’

When I put Mabon, my son, to bed this week he said,

‘Mummy, I think I am a very amazing child. And I thnk I am a very lucky child.’

I agreed and asked him what made him feel this way, and he replied ‘Because SO MANY people carry me when I am tired.’

A friend had carried up a steep jungle path on the way back from the beach that evening, and another friend had inspired him to play in the sand for hours to see if the ‘water always wins’ when manipulating its path and current. THANK YOU to the shining wonderful friends in our life who share their time, give their interest, compassion, strength, skills and playful hearts… You parent completely in these moments, igniting his fire, showing him about the world and love.

Fridge Shrine

I'm a firm believer in lists, post it's, inspiration boards and posters. My kitchen walls are a collage of such. Whatever I am trying to work on in my life and parenting I write up so when I retrieve my head from a cupboard I am more grounded in my intentions to GROW in LOVE with my child!

This grubby scrap of paper, held up by jubilant alphabet magnets, is like my pause and recharge portal. I like its clarity - and since I will be soon leaving my house I thought I'd better post it up here to remember! It is an extract (which I've tweaked a bit) from 'Toxic Parents', and helps me to feel both the simplicity and love-centred depth of what is asked of me as a mother.

For Love to Grow:

Children must be fed, clothed, sheltered and protected.

Feelings must be nurtured emotionally, their feelings respected and treated in a way that allows them to develop their self worth.

Give appropriate limits on behaviour, allowing them to make mistakes, and to be disciplined without being physically or emotionally abused.

Allow them the freedom to be children – playful, spontaneous, irresponsible.

Gift children sincere and joyful responsibilities, as an opportunity to grow in self love, love of environment and love of others.

Carer's responsibilties:

Provide for your child's physical needs.

Protect your child from physical harm.

Provide for your child's need for love, attention and affection.

Protect your child from emotional harm.

Provide moral, ethical and loving guidelines for your child.

Prayer

Until recently I think I was a bit allergic to the word 'prayer'! Practising meditation, reading spiritual texts, journaling, creative writing and saying affirmations where things I was more comfortable with and were the first steps I took towards communicating with God or Divinity. I see now they are not really different to prayer... SOmetimes it's less triggering to adopt and use 'exotic' or alternative spiritual practises than that of your birth culture... but i believe they all are essentially from and leading to the same source. 

Why pray now?

Having a child invited me to step up my game in my desire for spiritual understanding and growth. I witness daily miracles and emotional challenges and mirrors that stretch me beyond my capabilities. Being a parent exposed to me it wasn't just 'being' spiritual that I wanted, it was being able to integrate and embody unconditional Love in everyday situations and in my closest relationships... no mean feat! I also began to wander how my child could communicate or receive support from God. We play yoga and meditation when he wants to which creates a beautiful quality of joy, calmness and connection in him, but I felt there was a real relationship to be had that required no teaching or refinement for children. I feel I am 'growing into' my own unique voice in prayer and expression of love or 'true self' tiny step at a time. To grow I simply need the desire, humility and honesty.

Prayer is a soul to soul connection and opening between you and God. I believe it enables you to connect to your 'higher self' or 'true self' that already is peace, wisdom and love. In prayer, your tone, language, expressions will be unique to you and the moment you are in... ranging from 'I'm so angry I feel like I'm going to explode, please help me feel the emotion underneath this rage...' to an expression of gratitude. Everything goes! The conduit, or telephone line, can be called the Holy Spirit and is stimulated by your desire. Prayer is desire for a relationship with God, a desire to work through your emotions, and a desire to grow by responding to messages indicated in your law of attraction in your life. God is felt as a multi faceted being with many qualities, rather than just being the conceptual entity of Love. S/He is a divine parent who expresses unconditional Love and pure creativity, a soul in masculine/feminine union. Prayer comes directly from your heart and soul, and is directed to the soul of God, with Truth, Love and Humility. It does not need fine words, apology, obeisance. Prayer is a child-like and totally honest chattering... with the raw openness and flowing emotion we see in our children's communication!

The following teachings are from the Divine Love Path which has really inspired my approach to prayer and relationship with Divinity. Everyone has a physical body and a spirit body, which share the same soul. Your soul is completely unique, created by God and shaped by your experience from conception. It is suggested you share your soul with your soul mate, from whom you split at conception. Your soul is made up of emotions (energy in motion), memories, desires, intentions and aspirations. The more you get to know and connect with what makes up your soul, the more truthful and loving your prayers will be. Emotions are instant transmissions, God feels your every emotion all of the time... Our emotions are being heard even when we don't know it, and prayer is what enables God to demonstrate her Love by allowing Law of Attraction events to happen in response to our heart-felt prayers if the prayer is harmonious with Love. 

You need to be really honest about your emotions, otherwise you are out of harmony with Truth and therefore God cannot connect with you expressing an untruth. However, a desire to heal such emotions can be responded to. Your law of attraction – people and events that come into and act in your life- can be seen as opportunities to see the truth of your emotions (what you're really feeling underneath your reactive emotions) and an opportunity for humility, to own our emotions and take responsibility in attracting a situation to occur. We can pray to learn to see ourselves as God sees us, and we can pray to receive Divine Love. Prayer opens our souls to receive.

As soon as you are truly feeling your emotions, this is a prayer. As you become more aware of your emotions you will dig down layers of emotion, and go deep into them to release the underlying/causal emotions. This work is really complemented by Patty Wipfler's co-counselling approach to parenting. It also has allowed me to see that the emotions expressed by my son can also be a prayer and to honour them and give him space to do that (as with us, his emotional release must be loving to himself and everyone else – e.g. no hitting, blaming or shouting at anyone!) 

This understanding of prayer requires you to go no where holy; hold, be or wear anything other than how you already are. It makes sense to me that God is available to all in any situation. I have started to be open with my child when I need to have some space to feel or pray, and have seen he has taken to getting space for himself sometimes of his own free will when he is upset and angry. Often I have a 'chat' to God about the day with him when I put him to bed, we talk about our feelings, if we learnt about how to be more loving, and what we are grateful for. I still feel quite tentative in believing and having a relationship with God, and so it is coming into our lives privately and gently, and I accept that is ok because it's a true reflection of where i am. 

I have said this prayer to my child since he was a baby, and despite knowing prayer to be a fluid ever evolving communication, I cherish saying these loving words every night, coming to wash our shore ready for a new day.

May we nurture understanding and compassionate hearts

Clear and honest vision

Pure and balanced minds,

Faith in ourselves

And wisdom

May our Love ever Shine.

Hand in Hand Parenting

I was lent a photocopy of a Patty Wipfler booklet on listening to children/co-counselling a year or so ago which really struck a cord and helped me through a challenging time with tantrums and hitting... Now I have just found this website, a goldmine of articles and resources:

www.handinhandparenting.org

In Joy!

Finally - Pesha Gerstler

Finally on my way to yes

I bump into

All the places

Where I said no

To my life.

All the unintended wounds

The red and purple scars

Those hieroglyphs of pain

Carved into my skin and bones,

Those coded messages

That send me down

The wrong street

Again and again.

Where I find them,

The old wounds

The old misdirections,

And I lift them

One by one

Close to my heart

And I say

Holy

Holy

Holy

…

This moves me so deeply every time I read this poem... and today I read it as I was saying 'holy holy holy' to some fresh sore emotions. I suddenly had the image of my son's 'NO' patch as a toddler, the podgy fists strapped to his sides, brow stern and little lips pursed, the determination and inflexibility – I found it totally draining and exasperating at the time. Now I wander if he was reflecting back to me some 'no's' I was saying in my life.

I laugh that actually as a mother my life is full of yes-es now: to making food, wiping bottoms, going out for a bike rides, dancing in the kitchen, playing with him (an insatiable request... not always a direct yes), and the less popular 'yes' to needing to brush hair, get (in some way) dressed, speaking kindly to everyone... 

And, I am reminded to say to his unintentional wounds and no's too... holy holy holy.

Mabon's birth story

I share this story as if I were sitting in circle with you, the ancient way of sharing female wisdom, the medicine of each of our unique experiences empowering and holding the other... i believe passionately that birth is something we really should talk about!

I became pregnant with my son, Mabon, when I was 23. I was involved with community arts projects, writing, reiki, activism and co-running club nights and festivals. I made the huge transition from post-uni life to motherhood with the aid of a move from city to coast, using birth art, learning pottery, my son's father and I making a lot of time for talking and going through our emotions... and doing a huge amount of reading alternative birthing and parenting books. We made a trip to Cornwall in our campervan when I was 8 ½ months pregnant... and I consider such carefree and confident adventures to have been pivotal to our ability to birth naturally and make the transition to parenthood together.

In many ways, despite some challenging odds, I consider birthing at a comparitively young age to have been a blessing; I was the first of my friends, free from comparisons or fear to do it 'my' way. I was naïve and trusting of my ability to birth thanks to my mother who had always talked of it humourously simply... 'it's just like doing a poo!' I had not had many years of independence or full time working to surrender to the art of giving as a mother. I was adaptable and willing to transform into this 'mother identity' I knew little about. It is only looking back that I am full of wonder at this leap into motherhood. At the time, despite my emotions rocking tumultuously, I had implicit faith that motherhood would be a gift to my life, and refine my life goals and focus to what really mattered.

I had no complications in pregnancy, until the end when there was some concern about my bump being a little small: scans confirmed a lower than average fluid level.. something my mother had also with me. I felt confident everything was ok, as did my midwife, but two days after my due date she suggested she give me a sweep (artifical sweep of cervical membranes) to help trigger labour so that the hospital didnt put restrictions on my desire to have a home birth. This is now something I would not jump at as, despite it not being a drug based indiction, it is still an induction... therefore the baby has not given off the hormone into the amniotic fluid which naturally triggers the labour hormones, signalling that the baby's lungs are mature and thus the baby ready to be born.

My cervix was ready so my midwife was confident I would go into labour soon. I felt the first twinges of labour that day, and went on a walk to an ancient yew forest when a thunder, lightening and rain storm came over us. Feeling the period like pulls of contractions I desperately wanted to keep walking up the hill despite the storm... like some crazed pregnant woman, under a full moon, hair blowing in the gale! 

I had not yet said a word to my partner. When we arrived home, a couple we had befriended in our birth class were waiting on our doorstep, so it wasn't until an hour and a half later of chatting and making tea before I told my partner I was having contractions. By then they were 8 minutes apart, and he went into father-to-be overdrive... dismanteling a table, taking it down to the basement, blowing and filling up a birth pool, cooking pasta, calling hospital to ask for a midwife. I thoroughly recommend the father or doula calling the hospital, as the infuriating coverstation I had on the phone to 'prove' I was in labour totally shut down my contractions.

I kept busy folding sheets and baby clothes into a cupboard upstairs and the contractions progressed really well. Some time later my midwife arrived, she did a vaginal examination and I came downstairs, rocking over a birthing ball while she massaged my back. I was proferred some gas and air which I soon refused as it made me nausaus, and I ate some food which didn't stay down for long. I have since learned it is a myth women need to eat or drink unless they have the desire in labour; stimulating the digestive system triggers adrenalin and decreases oxytocin, hence why we don't need to eat when we sleep.

When my midwife thought I was around 8cm and the contractions were intense she told me I could get into the birthing pool. I stripped off in seconds (a good sign I was in my primitive brain, without inhibition!) looking forward to the soothing water... but then panicked and became self conscious and fearful. My partner had 'disappeared' into the shower. The transition between land and water suddenly seemed daunting.

It is highly likely I was extremely close to birthing at this point had I been left alone or asked the midwife not to talk to me about the fact I was 8cm so should get in pool (this triggers the neo-cortex). It is commonly witnessed by doula's that the moment the men disappear to tend their own needs, and the point at which women express a sudden fear, they have crossed a threshold and birth is imminent. It took me a good few hours longer I think... I loved being in the water and the labour seemed to progress strongly to me. I have vague memories of moving all over the place, rocking fiercely into the soft sides, with the father sometimes holding me, sometimes waiting back... but I began to get tired.

When I was ready to push (I remember telling my baby I was ready!) it was almost 3am, and he came out very quickly without tears.

I was squatting, exactly as I had drawn in my birth art, looking at a mandala wall-hanging in front of me. I had the sensation of other women all over the world birthing that same moment.

My hands were under water holding my baby's head and I caught him as he came out. My midwife held my weak arms as I lifted him out of the water... and, calm and quiet, he just looked straight into my eyes; perfect, wise, at once ancient and as utterly newborn as an unfolding lotus.

I held him to my breast for I don't know how long, and then passed him to his father as the placenta contractions came... which unfortunately took about an hour and felt exhausting. Now, knowing more about this crucial mother/baby bonding moment at birth, I understand that I needed more privacy and warmth (when you hold baby out of water you are both wet and need to be gently towel dried and warmed up) to maximise my hormonal release.. which would have enabled a quicker and easier placenta delivery. I was so grateful for being at home in privacy at this sacred time, and being able to just slip into bed after Mabon's first breastfeed.

Lilliana Lammers (paramana doula) described her caution at using birth pools as the risk of becoming an 'exotic fish' (i.e. disturbing the mother's need for privacy and lack of observation) I have to admit despite my birth being an experience I am immensely grateful for, I was an 'exotic fish' in our tiny dining room in front of two midwives who were looking straight at me... and talking... It may well be that my 'second stage' needn't have been as long or as tiring... but the experience of birth is simple; the most overwhelming gratitude for the safe delivery of your baby to you.

Healing Birth Experiences

I have since drawn my birth and was able to release some emotions of frustration which have embedded in me the teachings of my birth and understanding of what women need in birth. I encourage any mothers, especially those who have experienced what felt like a traumatic birth, or who have had post natal depression, to talk about it and use birth art (Birthing from Within, Pam England) to connect to and heal the raw emotions of birthing and becoming a mother.

I feel now, it is crucial not to judge our own births, the birth of our children or have expectations for births to come. We are at a huge turning point in the history of childbirth. Even though many of us feel a connection with the feminine birthing rituals of our wise women ansestors, it is also true that intervention in the birthing process and mother/baby bonding time is ancient. Michel Odent suggests it is proportionate to the level of violence and adrenalin within its culture. It is only in this century that we scientifically 'discovered' that a new born baby needs it's mother, and we are at a turning point of re/discovering and shaping birth practise around the needs of birthing women. 

We are at a point in our culture where it is time for Love to shape every aspect of our lives from birth to death... our culture is beginning to have the consciousness, safety and awareness to enable oxytocin and the emotions of calm and connection to take precedence in the birth process over the flight or flight responses. We maybe just need to be strong in our confidence to birth as the the baby and the mother needs. To really identify with the consciousness of the baby i recommend reading Birth Without Violence, Michel Odent).

The Story of the Cocoon

I would describe my experience of becoming a mother and nurturing my first baby like being in a cocoon; a silken protective nesting space, a place of incredible and challenging self transformation and creativity; a sacred space...

As my son, and I, grow older and reach further into the world beyond the infant's cocoon there are many times I have found it excruciating to stand by and watch him struggle; knowing that the carton he is grabbing is about to squirt juice all over him, his frustration at a too-long line of trains falling apart, insistently writhing to pull a t-shirt over his head through the arm hole... and then illness, falling off bikes... arguing with friends.

This story is medicine, which I have recalled and held in many patience-testing situations; a perfect parable for the art of standing back and allowing your children to become. For me it is a parents' call to humility, in allowing for their children's struggle and to trust in the beautiful winged unfolding of their unique soul journey.

The cocoon and the emperor moth

A man found a cocoon of an emperor moth. He took it home so that he could watch the moth come out of the cocoon.

On the day a small opening appeared, he sat and watched the moth for several hours as the moth struggled to force the body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no farther. It just seemed to be stuck.

Then the man, in his kindness, decided to help the moth, so he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The moth then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the moth because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time.

Neither happened! In fact, the little moth spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the moth to get through the tiny opening was the way of forcing fluid from the body of the moth into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Freedom and flight would only come after the struggle. By depriving the moth of a struggle, he deprived the moth of health.